Sunday, May 8, 2011

The Aftermath

OK. This has been a long break- I will admit. I am really starting to get how much writing THIS BLOG is Self Care for ME, so I am truly thankful and grateful to be continuing to share my journey in Self-Care with You.

These last weeks have been as trying and challenging on my Self-Care Practices as ever. I had an intention to attend one class-a-week as a part of illustrating the huge and amazing impact that Intentional Self-Care can have on the life of a human being. I went to a class of a friend I was very fond of for the spirit of freedom that he brings. I had really psyched myself up to be with this fun, like-minded person. This choice also had special significance to me because this the class I was choosing to kick-off a new theme for the blog.

The funny thing was- when I got there he completely ignored me. He must have been having a bad day or a hard moment. It totally took me by surprise. I tried several times to smile, talk or interact with his stone wall. My heart was so hurt. Even more than the actual class itself I was excited to see my friend. Eventually I gave up and tried to just enjoy the class. At the end I was ready to leave and tried to say goodbye to the stone wall with no response. I realized in retrospect that I had some expectations around this activity that were causing me disappointment. Were they unrealistic expectations? I don't believe they were...that a friend would kindly acknowledge my attempt to communicate. However, I adjusted them after the fact as was so necessary for my mental health. I also adjusted my view of this person's role (if any) in my life. -I am in a very vulnerable place with so many changes going on, and while I do not hold any judgment or anger towards this person, I will not be reaching in their direction for support in the future. For me, in this circumstance that is the best Self-Care I can do.

Needless to say that little mishap threw me off my stride a bit. The emotions I have had on my plate have been intense. Why would this person have such a huge effect on me anyway? The truth is, in terms of the layers of my emotions I have had a lot of things bubbling below the surface that have been hard to cope with and process.

I am in the midst of a divorce. Just the word itself is filled with connotations of destruction. For Me, breaking out of this marriage has been the most freeing and loving thing I have done for myself since my children were born. This marriage was so stifling, isolating and condemning. This person needed help and as of our last days before the separation was unwilling to acknowledge or honor any kind of CARE for himself or any impact that his neglect could be having on our lives or our relationship.

It's true that when you grow, whether it's your roots expanding down and across, your branches reaching higher or your leaves multiplying- you rock and shake the very fabric of the lives of those who are connected to you. This CAN cause destruction. But don't misunderstand- no matter what the immediate result seems to be- the changes that occur in your life (and those around you) as a result of positive growth you have created inside you, those changes are ALWAYS for the GOOD.

Good comes in many forms. In my life right now, Good is disguised as destruction. There were 4 people and a dog that all lived under the same roof, and now there are only three (and no dog)…..the mom that had all the time in the world to devote to her kids' emotional needs and still had left overs to care for herself with intention and love is now working fulltime and seeing her children much less. . And life is never black and white, all or nothing, one or the other… a wonderful woman who helped me through so much used to tell me " nothing is either-or…..everything is both-and". So where there is destruction and loss there is always the birth of something new. The question is- what am I birthing?

I have been basking in the expansive freedom I was completely ready to have and let in to my life. It has been awesome. At the same time there is a part of me- I will choose to call this part of me my"little girl"- who is sad. And I wonder to myself…..why? What is there to be sad about? I have struggled these last few weeks especially to allow that emotion to flow naturally simply because I have not been open or willing to understanding the existence of this sadness. After two solid weeks of struggle I have come face to face with my personal-once clearly defined- "Emotional Law". Emotional Law#1 is no judgment, no questioning, no quantifying, no justifying, and no figuring. If I have a feeling it must be honored regardless of my mind's agenda or opinions.

This emotion- as I have allowed light to- is sadness over a loss. Well, I wondered to myself, a loss of what?? It's not the loss of a family- because MY family IS intact-(He rarely ever participated in the family. It was always just me and the kids) It's not a loss of a partner because there was no partnership- it's not the loss of a friendship, a confidant, a lover…an activity partner….well? What is it? It's the loss of an illusion….and the more well-known version; the loss of a dream. For Years I have lived my life in a very "comfortable and secure" bubble. I have placed quotations around those words because the words themselves are definitely a part of the illusion. When I went out into the world I felt secure because my life "made sense" in society. I was a mom. That title alone- especially the exhibition of being a "good Mom" qualified me for all kinds of quick perks in the everyday social structure of our culture.

As I sat at the pool today sunbathing (by myself- it was his day with the kids) I saw the Daddies and the Mommies with their little ones, playing and splashing in the pool and I felt sad. I felt sad that I wasn't currently having that experience in my life (with a partner in life AND parenting). I also felt sad that I had never had that kind of partner- and finally I felt sad because of what was never-to-be with that person. Now notice I laid claim to the specifics of the relationship. I got into that relationship because I thought he might be the kind of guy to go swimming at the YMCA with his wife and kids or go to the park but I was wrong. I was wrong but I tried and tried….and 6 1/2 years later I started trying something different.

There is a space now- like never before. I have ploughed and I have plummeted and I have called in the special-forces and the great goddesses of protection in order to create this space. There is this beautiful alarmingly free clear space. I love it. It is so restful and serene. I called this into my life. This is what I wanted and I am so grateful as I continue to try and pay attention to it- this great space of allowing.

Now that there is freedom and clarity the rest will fall into place naturally. The future is full of possibilities and rich with treasures that I get to design and define for Me. Each day that I am blessed to enjoy the laughter, smiles hugs and kisses of my wonderful children is a gift. Each day that I get to sip tea and gaze at the wonderful trees outside my window is a gift. Each day that I am allowed to live and breathe and BE HERE is such a blessing. I want to pay attention- I want to stay awake. I don't want to miss a single minute of it.

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